Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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when nothing goes right… go left
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish