@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

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@fro_vo

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

@Staggfilms

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

@3sunzzz

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

@FINALLEVEL

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

@lloydrang

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@_steamy_mac

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*