Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
that de-escalated quickly
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment