Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.