Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport