Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*frowns in Scottish*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants