Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.