@EdwindelaRenta

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

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@IamEveryDayPpl

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

@kbizzo30

Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

@evacide

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@LuvPug

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit