me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…


My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.


The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.


Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car


grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them


It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.


Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.


I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit