me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
man i love columbo
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Ugh
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.