Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

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(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice


*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.


[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]


The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded


A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”


[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep


Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…


Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.


My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful


toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”