me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Van Gone
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂