Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day