ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
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Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*