@UncleDuke1969

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

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@nalex470

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

@AshGriffoTv

Hate it when I push the button at the traffic lights and someone pressies it after me. Do you not trust me or something? Was my press not good enough like

@AbbieEvansXO

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

@Anon_o_Mom

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@Scigglez

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@shutupmikeginn

[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.