ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”