Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…