Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating