Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
New Tinder profile.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.