Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.