@dimplesticks

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

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@BoomBoomBetty

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

@ShortSleeveSuit

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@Hobo_Splendido

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@rickkondell

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@trojansauce

[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*