Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
This is a sub tweet
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*