“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings