Me: I’m so bored, I’m gonna deep clean the house.

[5 minutes later]

Me: my phone is in my house, totally counts *wipes screen* opens Twitter.

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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.


I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.


Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.


Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.


A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter


Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.


Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them