@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so bored, I’m gonna deep clean the house.

[5 minutes later]

Me: my phone is in my house, totally counts *wipes screen* opens Twitter.

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@subtweetopath

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

@RickAaron

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

@LizerReal

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them