Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“i miss shittin on people”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.