Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

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Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.


“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.


friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me


I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space


I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.


I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry


Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?


I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.