Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The two types of wives
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.