@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

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@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@iamblackmamba76

A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@Mikecanrant

Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@KWalps

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

@DaveWeasel

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.

@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college