@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

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@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@WheelTod

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

@3sunzzz

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

@Blunt_Sarcastic

If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.

@Poutymcgee

“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”

– Vodka

@electrolemon

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.