Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

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I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch


A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet


It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.


If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.


“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”

– Vodka


a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”


I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.


Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.