Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.


I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.


A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.


Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no


“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college