Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
You Might Also Like
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”