Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You Might Also Like
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.