Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*