@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

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@LizHackett

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@whatmaddness

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@Deurb1

The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P

@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@existentialcoms

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

@TheRobCee

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”