Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The prophecy is fulfilled
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.