Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that