Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

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Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”


having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler


Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?


Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.


Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.


I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.


10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.