This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
We need more people like this.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
found my next D&D character name
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.