Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?
Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.