Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
We need to put an American base on the sun