I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Him: Choose your weapons.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.