@Gupton68

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

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@KissabiX

*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.

@chadchaines

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.