Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

You Might Also Like


*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.


I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used


[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.


I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks


The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.