@Gupton68

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

You Might Also Like

@rankin_jake

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@BCMontgo

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@clindsaysway

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

@david8hughes

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

@TheAlexP

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@jergarl

*dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help