@Gupton68

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

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@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@UncleDuke1969

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@joeljeffrey

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.