Netflix, you little flirt
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.