
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
It’s actually Dr. whatever
please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time
“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”
— First person to find a mummy
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.