I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time
“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”
— First person to find a mummy
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.