@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

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@jmksr68

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@seejaylinco

please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time

@MsCarlissima

“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

@xysist

* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

@MykaFox

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.