@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry I misunderstood what you meant about roping you in.

HR manager: Thank you, can you untie me now please?

Me: And get dressed?

HR manager: And get dressed. Yes.

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@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@heykarlin

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

@ValeeGrrl

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

@MomOf2Happas

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

@andizeisler

Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong

@kirkfox

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life