@JKNenagh
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
@not_delicate
Me: I’m sorry I misunderstood what you meant about roping you in.
HR manager: Thank you, can you untie me now please?
Me: And get dressed?
HR manager: And get dressed. Yes.
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@JKNenagh
@jonnysun
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
@heykarlin
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
@ValeeGrrl
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
@Lisa_Laughs_
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
@MomOf2Happas
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
@AimeeHelene1
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
@Darlainky
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
@andizeisler
Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong
@kirkfox
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life