Me: I’m sorry I misunderstood what you meant about roping you in.

HR manager: Thank you, can you untie me now please?

Me: And get dressed?

HR manager: And get dressed. Yes.

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Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir


TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
ME: ya i got it. im good right here


If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.


Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”


Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*


Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong


Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life