Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.