me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me