My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
You Might Also Like
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.