The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
set yourself free xox
What
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.