Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Perfect
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Nice try Hitler
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend