Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Go hard or stay average
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.