Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Try and stop me.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.