[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.