my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!
Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.