@RobbyActually

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

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@iriskessler

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

@DontDraketheIce

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

@Gupton68

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

@JimmerThatisAll

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@Social_Mime

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

@WilliamAder

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

@AimeeHelene1

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.