Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶