@tweetsbyrocket

me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

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@AudreyPorne

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

@pork_steaks

“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”

@ClichedOut

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

@wolfpupy

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@seamussaid

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

@abbycohenwl

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

@ObscureGent

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.