me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]

You Might Also Like


even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey


I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.


her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen


BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.


Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?


friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned


Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most


I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.


We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around