even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
me: i’m terrified of socialism
therapist: thanks for sharing
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I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around