@arcadeseals

me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]

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@HepatitisAtoZ

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

@HeyZeus666

I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.

@clichedout

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@BlumJordan

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

@rockymomax

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@lahirip

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around