Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments