MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Dammit Chief not again
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll