Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
subtitles are so good nowadays
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.