Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.