Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫