@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

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@Chumpstring

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@stephanidek

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

@Otter_News

No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.

@thedadvocate01

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

@mommajessiec

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.