I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Never underestimate the value of a good editor…
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.