Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.



ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy


No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.


Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard


My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.


shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice


Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.