@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

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@mom_ontherocks

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@thepunningman

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”