me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.