Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
SF is the wild wild west man
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder